The act of being present for a dying loved one can be an initial processing of grief, but often family members of coronavirus patients aren’t allowed visits until the very end. COVID-19 may be setting the stage for a 'tsunami of grief.'
For five weeks and three days this spring, Dave Varghese’s children waited for their dad to come home.
Now the kids are waiting for a funeral. They want a party for their dad with lots of people in the backyard, just like the pool parties he liked to throw. Elijah saw a photo from his parents’ wedding and started crying that he misses his daddy. Suriya wants to go back to school where she could see her best friend and everybody in her class would hug her.
Complicated grief, which occurs in about seven per cent of bereaved people, is more than just a prolonged period of sadness. Associated with depression, suicidality, social isolation and post-traumatic stress disorder, complicated grief derails the grieving process. Some people experience ongoing panic or anxiety attacks, or excessive worry. They ruminate on what has been lost. Some constrict the boundaries of their lives in order to avoid places they went with the deceased.
To be present at a death, and the days and the hours leading up to it, is no small role; the responsibilities are many. There are things that doctors and nurses cannot do. Sit vigil. Watch for the small changes. Hold hands and rub feet. Say the things that need to be said. Speak for your person when they can no longer speak for themselves. Advocate for them. Dab dying lips with wet sponges. Say things like “I love you” and “thank you” and “I promise you that we’ll be okay.
Kok has not been able to see her father for 3½ months; after her mom died, the province tightened the rules. She doesn’t know if he understands that his wife of 53 years died across the hallway from him. She can’t pull a chair up to his window. But a recent rule change in Ontario means Kok will soon be able to see her father outside once a week, provided she tests negative for COVID-19.
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