We ranked Jason Statham’s most ridiculous character names, from least to most wild
Photo: Warner Bros. The Meg, out Friday, pits Jason Statham against a giant prehistoric shark. It is a perfect movie. Sorry — almost a perfect movie. The only thing that can really be said against it is that it takes our preeminent bald action hero and deprives him of one of the hallmarks of his illustrious career: really deranged character names. Statham plays a rescue-op expert named Jonas Taylor — a goofy name in its own right, to be sure, but nothing close to his batshit monikers past.
“Statham’s a magnet for the absurd names,” says Crank and Crank: High Voltage co-writer/director Mark Neveldine. “It’s his look, his presence, his voice. He can truly pull it off.” The ability to infuse the most ridiculous possible situations with a brow-furrowed gravitas is what makes Statham work so well as an action star and, when required, a comedy MVP. Who can forget, “This arm has been ripped off completely and reattached with this fucking arm”?12.
“Jensen Garner Ames” is not the name of a former race-car driver framed for the murder of his wife so he can be incarcerated in a for-profit prison system under which drivers are forced to participate in deadly races in order to win their freedom. It’s the name of a star on a middling CW sitcom. A husband in the Real Housewives franchise — a real-estate lawyer, maybe, or a plastic surgeon, one who’s successful but not too successful, and definitely one who has hair plugs.
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