Rachel Matlow’s mother refused to get the surgery that could have saved her. That often left her and Rachel trying to love each other while bitterly at odds.
Rachel Matlow: I think she rejected surgery because she was afraid. Like she was- she was more terrified than she'd ever been, and these miracle cures gave her hope, like, they were an escape hatch from facing her fears head on.The show from WNYC about the things we think about a lot...Rachel Matlow is a 42 year-old, non-binary writer and audio producer who lives in Toronto. In 2015, their mom Elaine died from cancer, cancer that Rachel’s mom decided not to treat with conventional medicine.
Rachel Matlow: Yeah. I say, “Why did you do what you did?” You know, there's times where I'm like, “I just- you should be here. You should be here for this, and you're not. And I'm like annoyed at you right now, cause of that.” Rachel Matlow: Yeah, she'd be like off to shaman camp. I was like, “What do you do at shaman camp?” Like, I don't think there was a lot of water skiing going on, or archery. Um, yeah, so I joke our dynamic, you know, technically it was mother and daughter, but it always felt more like mother and son just because of my gender. Um, but then I also joke that it often felt like father and daughter with like her being the, the unruly teenager.
Rachel Matlow: And, you know, my mother is a good storyteller prone to hyperbole, so I didn't react right away. I just thought, okay, maybe she's scared, but I soon could tell that it was more serious. She was actually afraid. Anna Sale: Did you initially sympathize with her skepticism about conventional cancer treatment and the medical establishment?
Anna Sale: Mm-hmm. And when you would make your case for surgery, when- when that, when that conflict, like, reared itself in its most intense way, where you really felt the standoff, like, what would she say back? Anna Sale: Oh. You know, I think we all, we all wanna believe that we can- if we can just figure out the right words, when someone we love is not understanding or hearing us, or we are very concerned that they're making choices that are harmful to them, we- we really all wanna believe that if we can summon the right words, we can get through that impasse. Um, and I think of your relationship with your mother as having so much- there was so much affection and respect between you two.
Anna Sale: Coming up, what it was like, after all this, for Rachel to be the primary caregiver for Elaine in her last days, and what they talked about as her end got closer. If that is an experience of estrangement that’s familiar to you, tell us about it. Our email is [email protected]. You can send us an email or record a voice memo.
Elaine Mitchell: I would tell you that everybody has a lot of sadness in their life. Everybody does, no matter what they look like on the outside. And sometimes you go for quite a long time with everything great. But everybody does suffer. And so it's not weird or wrong or not socially acceptable to be sad.Elaine Mitchell: Well, one thing is just to sit with it. That's the Buddhist way. You just feel the loss and the pain, and it'll move.
Elaine Mitchell: Oh cripes. There's nothing you can do, except I wanna tell you this, and I want you to remember it- that I couldn't be any prouder of you than I am today, but I wish I could see that. I do. I mean, I wish I could see everything that goes on in your life from now on. I just had a thought. Elaine Mitchell: If you do have a daughter, could you give her Elaine even as a middle name?Rachel Matlow: Well, only if I have a daughter.
Anna Sale: I'm, I'm curious, like on the one hand, um, the details of- of the story of your- your mother's illness and the- the conflict about how to deal with medical care, are so specific and- and kind of extreme.
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Conversations with My Dead Mother | Death, Sex & Money | WNYC StudiosRachel Matlow’s mother refused to get the surgery that could have saved her. That often left her and Rachel trying to love each other while bitterly at odds.
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