'I realize your budget is limited and we’re not going to get the Haunted Mansion’s spectral ballroom, but the least you could strive for is accuracy and verisimilitude in your depiction of classic horror characters and tropes.'
Since age 6, I have cherished this community’s annual Jaycees Haunted House, looked forward to it for weeks, and mailed copious suggestions every year to the organizing committee. And though they have never seen fit to invite me onto the committee, I have never held it against them until this year. Put bluntly, sir, your abject ignorance of classic horror leaves you woefully unqualified to run this haunted house.
Consider your entrance: As the guests sidestep cobwebs , hidden speakers blare Bach’s “Toccata And Fugue In D Minor” on pipe organ. While I appreciate that you were looking for something spooky, this overworked musical cliché is only associated with horror due to the 1962 Hammer Films remake of and is, frankly, the musical equivalent of yelling, “Boo, I am a ghost.
Larry Groznic is a noted fan-community luminary and sought-after expert on the topics of British television, spy-fi memorabilia, cosplay, RPG adventuring, and limited-edition collectible maquettes. He lives in Cedar Rapids, IA, and is single.
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