TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.
According to reports, as trillions of dollars in financial transactions, thousands of classified military documents, and countless terabytes of personal data are electronically transmitted throughout the course of the day, they will once again be susceptible to viewing and manipulation by the Tallinn University undergraduate, who is presently lying in bed browsing online dating profiles on his iPhone.
“Our strategy will be to inject large sums of capital to build their market value over the next 18 months,” continued Amos, as his company’s massive investment—and indeed, the entire global economy—hinged on the whims of a college freshman who has the capability to quickly build a malware program that alters just a few decimal places in a bank’s database, thereby crashing financial markets in a manner that is completely untraceable by authorities.
Although he is now reportedly watching YouTube soccer highlights in his underwear and will later leave for his 11:30 a.m. calculus class, sources said Pevkur could at any moment decide to use his knowledge of rootkits and data decryption to wirelessly break into the cell phones of high-ranking government officials, business executives, international celebrities, or whomever he chooses, really. Earlier this morning, he is said to have hacked into a classified U.S.
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