True intimacy can be life-enhancing. But it can also be so scary that some people choose to avoid real closeness or pick partners who'll never ask them to be vulnerable. Here's why.
When someone expresses vulnerability around love, even to the extreme of feeling emotionally endangered, they often focus on past events rather than the paradise they once experienced that was lost. The potential to lose “idyllic” love haunts their relationships. Traumatic disappointments prime memory with reminders of our vulnerabilities. Yet traumatic disappointment can also create a later dependency on others in what seems to be an intense form of object hunger .
A fervent infatuation—one that recreates the blissful pleasure of very early childhood—can result in traumatic disappointment that parallels the feelings involved in an actual past trauma or an injurious loss of idealized love experienced by the person in childhood or beyond. Idealized love that is projected upon a current partner hides the inevitable repetition of a past disappointment and loss—an intense injury to one’s ego—that lurks in the shadows.
, adaptations, and defenses that are repetitions of reactions originating with significant persons in our distant past.Fleeing from a sense of emotional endangerment in one relationship to another where intimacy is muted may indeed provide safety. However, the opportunity to look inside oneself and work through both present and past hurt and disappointment is lost.
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