Accepting that there may be some validity to an adult child's criticisms can be difficult—but it can also provide a way to move forward and heal
One of the most common complaints or criticisms I hear about my work is that I'm either too hard on parents, or that my methods will just reinforce the bad behavior of estranged children—that in encouraging parents to make amends, be, and not respond defensively, I'm doing nothing to force the child to see the parent's perspective or to grow up. In addition, I get accused of reinforcing the distortions in the child's orientation to the parent.
There are times when that criticism is exactly right: Sometimes a parent's continuing to reach out, to be empathic, or to not push back does lead the adult child to conclude that they have a bigger claim against you than they really do. It's also true that they might respect you less if they're abusive and you continue to try to reach out to them without any limit against the abuse.
However, while I don't assume that a child's version of the parent is correct, I also don't assume that the parent's version of the child is correct. Therefore, you're better off assuming that you have some blind spots as you begin this work.. It's a position of strength, not weakness. It's the ability to say,"Well, maybe you're right. Maybe I missed something really important about you either in how I raised you or how I communicate with you.
You may never learn what your adult child's real complaints are about you if you don't start with where they are and accept that there be some validity to their observations. In addition, your humility communicates a willingness to communicate with your child as an equal, which is a requirement in today's parent-adult child relations.and that you or any other parent might grade you with an A or a B. You still get to believe that you did a good job.
Finally, allowing some time for your child to blame you may clarify for them what their real issues are. Sometimes blaming a parent is a first step toward figuring out who they are. It doesn't mean that they'll always do it or that it's their ultimate truth. It also doesn't mean that you're signing on to that style of communication forever.
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