‘It feels impossible that my brain can move to a space of reflection and remembrance instead of where it was stuck as I looked for signs to somehow have it all make sense’
After sitting at the end of my bed for an hour, I decided to force myself to go for a run. After all, isn’t fresh air good for you? Isn’t movement supposed to snap you out of whatever kind of funk you are in?
Back in January, I signed up to run a 50-kilometre race in the spring. That would give me several months to snap myself out of the cycle of grief I had spiralled down. Fifty kilometres. Fifteen more and that would be the number of years my dad was when he died in September. Even still, this far into the grieving process, it feels impossible that my brain can move to a space of reflection and remembrance instead of where it was stuck as I looked for signs to somehow have it all make sense. Recently, on a day that I was feeling all right, I got out of my minivan at the hill where I always went for a run, and I found myself collapsing, crying uncontrollably and gasping for breath. Again.
I learned that when people experience a large and sudden loss, about five per cent of them experience post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD symptoms after a sudden loss include panic and intrusive memories of the moment the news of the death came that exceed 4-6 weeks. Yup. That is exactly what was happening to me.
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