ST. PAUL, MN—In a shockingly selfish pattern of behavior that has occurred repeatedly over the past six months, local 8-year-old and whiny brat Sean Cooper has continued his habit of interrupting his parents with his pleas for them to stop screaming at each other, sources reported Thursday.
While clutching his stuffed animal and staring morosely at his feet like some sort of sulking, grade-school prima donna, Sean then reportedly proceeded to take up another 45 seconds of his parents' valuable time explaining in needlessly long-winded detail that it made him sad when they fought, never once stopping to take note of how utterly self-indulgent he was sounding, or how his outburst might be construed as utterly inappropriate given the fact that his parents had been in the midst of...
"They told me it was very late and they were having a grown-up talk and I should go back to my room," said the child, who was quite rightly put in his place in that instance, and really should have known better than to interrupt in the first place. "Then later I heard Daddy slam their door and go downstairs to his car.
"Why is this happening?" whined the little shit for what felt like the 5,000th time this week, his pouty voice reaching levels of annoyance that would make even the most levelheaded adult want to pick up a chair and throw it across the room in sheer exasperation. "Is it my fault?""I should just run away," added Sean, positing his first sensible thought in years. "Maybe that would make everything better.
At press time, Sean was most likely feeling sorry for himself and finding a way to make everything all about him, just as he always does.
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