From tentacles to Baywatch: How we fear, love, share, hide, and imitate porn
Photo: Gluekit A man I was dating told me that he liked watching anime scenes of sea creatures raping schoolgirls with their tentacles. His arousal bothered him. I was surprised to discover that it didn’t bother me, but my live-and-let-live attitude gave me pause: Was I colluding with misogyny?
Rosslyn “aspires to monogamy, but sometimes you just want to fuck. It’s a primal instinct you can’t fight.” Porn helps her supplement a relationship’s confines. She needs a plot and characters roughly her age, late twenties. “If they’re banging it out, I can’t get into it,” she says. His then-girlfriend, now wife, Henrietta, worried that her low libido meant she couldn’t satisfy Matt. “We both carry the guilt of not having as much sex as we’d like. I realized from our conversations that I haven’t accessed who I am sexually, and how much shame I feel around that.” Part of her “envies how Matt can engage in pleasure without the rigid boundaries [she] clings to.”
His longtime girlfriend Jeanie enjoys porn — “I have no problem with it; it’s something we’ve always shared,” she says — and they describe their relationship as “open and comfortable,” so Marco doesn’t know why he didn’t just tell her about the filming when he got home. For weeks afterwards, when Jeanie suggested watching a video together Marco would decline. He’s never told her about it. “There’s probably some deep psychological reason, but I don’t know what it is,” he says.
Ava understands that sexualities are complicated, but nothing about “the sadness” of sexual violence turns her on. She says, “There are some things I want to push myself towards, to try, but why would I want to start engaging in [violent porn]?” Her two previous and probably not coincidentally non-American partners didn’t watch porn. “They were really present. It was impressive,” she says.Joe, 29, insists that “everyone in a monogamous relationship wants to be in a threesome.
His ex-girlfriend, Carla, considered watching porn cheating. He tried to cut down but refused to stop altogether. By the time he was living with Carla, he wanted to be “free from the hiding patterns.” John understands Carla’s jealousy. “I was having intense orgasms to a woman who wasn’t her. She wasn’t wrong. Men are lucky more women don’t feel that way,” he says, but after feeling guilt and shame over many years, he decided that, “an un-nuanced view of porn is a form of sexual repression.
Marina says she “wouldn’t be devastated and wouldn’t take it personally” to find Henry watches porn, but “the secrecy behind it is weird, and there’s something about porn that is very American.”Rose and Aaron met in college; they were both English majors. With five years hindsight, Rose believes Aaron was “performing” to “prove himself to be the most sexual person,” often wanting to reenact what he saw in porn. “Was I swindled or did I want to do that?” she asks.
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