Don't be a monster-in-law.
“Someday, some little girl who’s probably not even born yet is going to steal you away from me, and I hate her already.”
“Do I wish she’d married someone else? Absolutely. But do I want her to be happy? Of course. I just can’t stand him,” said a client. Another, with more pressing concerns, was pondering what to do about offering his son’s partner a job in his business and how it would impact both his family and his firm. And a third was arguing with her husband about attending a lesbian daughter’s wedding.
There are cultures in which arranged marriages are the norm, and no doubt, the wishes those parents have for their kids are much the same as they are for us, though they may be better at wielding their influence than we are. But all of us know we can’t choose who our kids love. In marriage, as in everything, we want the best for them. And their choices aren’t ours.
I was more discreet about my own daughter-in-law, and approached her warmly — or so I thought. Only my own daughter sensed I was less than wholly enthusiastic. “I can tell you don’t like her,” she said, “but nobody else will [notice], including my brother.”And so I learned by doing; by focusing on how happy she made him, by stepping out of their way and being thoughtful of her needs, by maintaining the degree of closeness and distance they, as a couple, managed. In some ways, it was better.
If, as a single parent, you’ve been particularly emotionally close to your grown child, it’s especially difficult to respect their couple boundary without feeling shut out of the intimacy you once enjoyed with your daughter or son.
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