“Brandon Davis’s words echoed in my head, the pied piper of my pubes, leading them off to the wax strip and into a trash can. Fire crotch, fire crotch, fire crotch … ”
Photo: Photo Illustration by Stevie Remsberg/Photo Getty Do you remember the mid-2000s at all? We were supposed to hate pubic hair, and we did. Especially billionaire oil heir Brandon Davis — someone you have forgotten about until just now — who called Lindsay Lohan a “fire crotch” in an immediately infamous paparazzi video featuring himself, Paris Hilton, and Nikki Hilton.
The first wax kit I bought shortly after seeing that paparazzi video was packaged in a box with soothing lavender tones, and a thin white woman looking like she finally found the inner peace we’re all searching for. The kind of serene look that says my pussy is bald and nothing bad will ever happen to me again. I waited until everyone in my house was asleep and nuked the tub of wax in the microwave per the included instructions.
In the 12 years since I tried to wax my pubes because a man bullied Lindsay Lohan, my body hair has only gotten more … powerful? Darker, thicker, denser. It’s popping up in places I did not know could ever need to be shaved and plucked. Is it still your pubic hair when it’s covering areas of your thigh several inches from your pubis? Why do I need to shave my big toe now? I never should have laughed at my mother for plucking her chin hair, because I could now grow a teenage boy’s beard.
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