Mothers (and fathers) excuse, rationalize, and deny favoritism, but it is very real and can have devastating long-term effects
which was a godsend. My relationship to my mother and family consists of texts, the occasional phone, and much distance."
The story Jenna was told—of being so independent that she didn’t need attention—tends to be more the norm than not in the interviews I’ve conducted forand my forthcoming book on verbal abuse. It’s not as though these mothers come right out and say “I just don’t like you,” after all; instead, they insist that their behavior was appropriate , they blame-shift , or provide a supposed “reason” for their behavior or variations on these themes.
The sad reality is that the dynamic gives many of these unloving mothers a sense of power and control that they relish and otherwise lack in their lives; this is especially true for women who are insecure themselves, combative by nature, have a heightened need for control, or are high inSymbolic gestures are more covert and often common in families where the differential treatment is just the norm without involving scapegoating, the overt form of exclusion.
“My mother always played favorites, and my sister was the golden girl. She got a car when she turned 18 and I was expected to get a job and save up. Both parents said she had fewer opportunities and needed to be taken care because she was a girl and all. Well, that helpless girl became an attorney, as did I. The presents stayed the same: She got a down-payment on an apartment and I got socks. Okay, I manned up and dealt with it.
Mothers hold power over children, even though we don’t like to acknowledge it. And where there is power, there is always the possibility of abuse.Gemmill, Gary. “The Dynamics of Scapegoating in Small Groups,Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life
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