'I decided to seek a private diagnosis. I truly believe that not only did this decision transform my life, but possibly saved it. The diagnosis itself lifted most of the guilt. Finally, an explanation. Not an excuse. My whole life made complete sense.'
In late December last year, in an incredibly raw state of overwhelm, I painfully drove to a railway viaduct a few miles from my house and only just stopped myself from jumping to my death.
My inner restlessness continued into my teens, when my undiagnosed ADHD started to affect my self esteem. Like many girls and women with, I went completely under the radar, not fitting the stereotype of hyperactive, failing, and disruptive. I was frequently top of the class, so how could I have anything wrong with me?
I never felt I reached my potential, always life circumstances and some dramatic event getting in the way. Pregnant at 22, then self-employment. Two failed marriages. Mother with terminal cancer and her long, drawn-out death. “Making it” postponed. Again. One day, soon, I’ll get there, I kept telling myself.from my life choices and daily difficulties was starting to eat away and affect my mental health.
Then came interventions from health professionals. I’d be perfectly normal and happy, then one life event going a bit wrong on a handful of occasions spiraled me into a state so low, I could be dangerously suicidal within an hour. I was diagnosed with a mood disorder that looked like BMD 2, but didn’t quite fit. My drive, energy and enthusiasm was put down to “hypomania.” As were the occasions when I’d get intensely focused on a singular project.
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