WASHINGTON—In an effort to limit the fallout from any unintended collateral damage, the Pentagon has dispatched a fleet of unmanned aerial vehicles to the Middle East specially designed to express condolences for the civilian casualties of U.S. drone airstrikes, sources confirmed Wednesday.
After confirming the sorrowful individual’s identity with reasonable certainty, the drone will then engage the mourner, strafing his or her location with hundreds of sympathy cards before circling back and shelling the target zone with its 1,500-kilogram payload of precision, laser-guided gift baskets.
Sources confirmed that the Griever’s highly advanced onboard computing systems allow it to declare tender reassurances with pinpoint accuracy, having proven capable of isolating a sobbing widow within a crowd of sympathizers and unleashing a barrage of comforting words to the appropriate residence, hospital, or mosque during her time of need.
“The condolence drones have proven especially effective in Yemen and Somalia, where we have been deploying them dozens of times per week,” he added. “We expect them to continue to be a central component of our campaigns there going forward.
“Shortly after Ahmed was killed, we were preparing his body for burial when we heard a second drone flying above us,” said Afghan farmer Sayed Noyan, referring to his brother, who was caught in the blast radius of a Hellfire missile strike while walking near the home of a suspected Taliban operative. “I remember there was a loud, echoing voice intoning that Ahmed was a good man, and that he would always be remembered. That’s when everything went black.
At press time, the Pentagon had issued a formal apology for an incident last month in which a Griever accidentally consoled two Western hostages.
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