Grieving is hard enough without blaming yourself for imaginary mistakes. Here's how to let go of unnecessary guilt so you can truly heal.
to experience after loss, particularly among family caregivers. Although sometimes there really is something worth feeling guilty about, often this isn’t the case. Instead, guilt frequently results from distorted thinking—that is, being much too hard on ourselves. Caregivers often expect way too much of themselves and beat themselves up when they don’t fulfill those expectations. It’s important to notice this kind of thinking when it occurs, because it can stand in the way of healthy grieving.
This kind of self-critical thinking is sometimes called the “tyranny of the shoulds.” People often concentrate on what they didn’t do—what they feel theyhave done—but forget about all they actually did! There may have been many ways that their relationship with their loved one was strong. She tortured herself for weeks, accusing herself of being a bad daughter because she “should” have been there. Seeing how hard on herself she was being, her mother finally clasped her hand and said, “Your father didn’t care if you were there or not when he died. He knew you loved him; you showed him that over and over again.” Just as her mother reminded her, it’s important for all of us not to lose sight of what we actually have been able to do for our loved ones.
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