PASADENA, CA—Looking out at a sea of expectant faces, new father Dan Rudloff commemorated the birth of his daughter, Elizabeth, by holding the small, vulnerable child in his arms and blurting out a series of lies and half-truths about how happy he was at that moment.
New father Dan Rudloff tries to express joy while realizing he will never ever be able to get that boat.
According to onlookers, Rudloff took the resulting lull in conversation as an opportunity to shift his gaze from his wailing progeny and stare into his wife's opiate-sedated eyes, at which point the two shared the knowing glance that comes only with the realization that your days of selfish solitude, unrestrained drinking, sleeping in until noon, and enjoying any semblance of independence are now forever gone.
"This is so…," said Rudloff, thinking "nightmarish nightmarish nightmarish" as tears began to well in his eyes. "I never thought this day would actually come. I'm—I'm speechless."Thus fulfilling the first of thousands upon thousands of new fatherly obligations, Rudloff posed for a picture.
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