Relationship experts advise against using tests to gauge your partner's commitment. Open communication is key to building trust and addressing insecurities.
It’s tempting to test how committed your partner really is. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they? That’s why we might turn to secret games and lying. However, relationship experts strongly advise against it. Coming up with tests for your partner to see how committed they are usually comes from a place of insecurity. Sadly, they seldom have the desired effect. As Dr. Gary Brown, LMFT, explains, these kinds of tests are a passive-aggressive way to get the reassurance we need.
“I do it because it feels better than making myself vulnerable by sharing honestly with my partner about my doubt,” she explains the mindset., that’s how we create the distance in the relationship that we fear. “Setting up tests creates unnecessary conflict,” Gilbertson writes. “Even if your partner goes along with everything you want him or her to do, slavish obedience is not ultimately what you’re seeking.” It’s better to openly share your insecurities with a partner and ask them to help you notice your testing tendencies. So, what should couples be doing instead? Although the solution may sound overly simple, the answer is almost always: communicate! Instead of playing mind games, people need to tell their partners what makes them feel insecure in the relationship. Simkins Rogers recommends asking yourself: “What do you hope your test proves or disproves? The strength of your partner’s love? Their commitment to you? Your incompatibility as a couple?” Instead of testing our partners, we should be telling them exactly what we are feeling. That relationship tests only punish the person conducting them. What’s more, they aren’t fair to the partner. “If you’re worried about your partner, you need to have a conversation about what’s bothering you. Testing your partner should never be the answer in a healthy relationship,” Vanderbilt writes. Therapist, Dr. Gary Brown, told Self something similar. According to him, the best way to overcome insecurities is to be open and share them with your partner
RELATIONSHIP COMMITMENT COMMUNICATION INSECURITIES TRUST
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