GURNEE, IL—Expressing frustration at the frequency with which he is required to guide people through their darkest moments of drug-induced psychosis, Six Flags Great America employee Mark Griffin told reporters Monday that he is sick and tired of talking park visitors down from their bad acid trips.
“I don’t mind working here for the most part, but constantly having to convince paranoid, hallucinating customers that they aren’t going to die is getting a little old,” said Griffin, 31, who reportedly spends a significant portion of his workday comforting Six Flags visitors wracked by the anxiety and terror often brought on by the hallucinogen LSD.
However, the Six Flags staffer admitted that, after having been forced on dozens of occasions to cradle a park guest in his arms while soothingly whispering “I’m here” for hours at a time, he is no longer fazed by the challenges presented by his job, even when he has to scale the steel latticework supporting Dare Devil Dive in order to talk down a delirious visitor convinced that the ground is melting.
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