KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
Several eyewitnesses, who watched the seagull aimlessly wander around a Target parking lot that was located two whole states away from any coastal habitat that could provide proper food, shelter, and protection to the animal, told reporters the bird was more than likely a complete shit-for-brains and a huge fucking embarrassment to its species.
Residents also reportedly assumed that the gull, which was for some reason residing in an entirely landlocked state even though 70 percent of the planet’s goddamn surface is covered with water, absolutely shit the bed at any chance it had at mating.
At press time, sources confirmed that the goddamn mess of a bird was just flying around in circles above the parking lot like a huge dipshit.
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