'Doing what I was told': Richard Crouse on the indignity of being hospitalized
After being carved up like a turkey at Christmas dinner I was taken to the bed I'd occupy for the next four days. It was in one of the older wings in a room shared with one other patient -- whose body gave out before his lifetime guarantee did -- and a morphine drip. The hospital is a relic from late 1960s Toronto, a marvel of functionality over form. It's essentially a maze of corridors leading to mysterious places with names like Laboratory Medicine and Ambulatory Care.
Nurse after nurse checked on my laparoscopic holes — a quartet of incisions on my belly where the doctor inserted tiny instruments and cameras to perform the surgery — and the larger slit they used to remove the colon. Later, when I had a chance to examine my new body art I thought the large scar looked like a grin, a stomach smile.
Being in the hospital is a great leveller. Surrounded by sick people and people who know how to look after sick people, it is one of those rare times in my life where I have not been self-sufficient. Whether it was my trigger finger on the morphine drip, the surgery, or some kind of tacit understanding that I wasn't in control of what was happening to me, I laid back and for once in my life did what I was told.
In the bed next to me was Alan, a sickly child who had spent more time in the hospital than at home. My arm would heal, whatever was wrong with my new friend wouldn't. We talked about whatever nine year olds talk about. We laughed, watched TV and then early one day I was taken to X-ray and when I came back Alan was gone. Never said goodbye. Didn't leave a note.
I wish I could say I was inspired by his bravery, but I doubt he was brave. I doubt he truly understood his fate. He wasn't brave, he just was. Thinking back on his life unlived, however, put things in perspective for me. I felt lucky in an unlucky circumstance.
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