AKRON, OH—Calling the situation dangerous and a rescue operation “very risky,” authorities have confirmed they will now lower a rescue chip into a seven-layer dip to save a broken Tostito that got caught in the party spread approximately 45 seconds ago.
According to sources, the rescue snack—a restaurant-style corn chip with high-grade scooping capabilities—will be carefully lowered into the unstable dip, whereupon it will attempt to hook underneath the stranded chip, lift the bisected snack out of the multi-layered food mixture, and bring it to safety.Sources confirm that it’s a daring rescue operation that represents the last, best hope for the trapped chip.“What we’re looking at here is a worst-case scenario.
“Look, it could have been a combination of factors, including a lack of hand support, or maybe the chip was one of the flimsier ones, or maybe it was just a freak accident,” Larkin continued, trying to explain the cause of the disaster. “But we can answer those questions later. Now we just have to focus on going in there and getting it out.”According to Larkin, the key to a successful operation is finding a secure entry point into the dip, preferably one with as little sour cream as possible.
“We have to be meticulous about this, because the last thing we want is to lose the emergency tortilla,” said Larkin, adding that it would be a major setback for the entire operation. “I’d say right now, we have a 50/50 chance of success. And I would ask that everybody please say a prayer for this chip’s safe return.”According to Larkin, catastrophe struck at approximately 4 p.m. after the initial chip made its ill-advised descent into the heart of a glass serving container of seven-layer dip.
“Time is definitely not on our side here,” said Larkin, who noted that the submerged chip segment is only getting soggier by the minute. “The isolated chip is currently holding up pretty well, given the circumstances, but it’s slowly absorbing more and more of the salsa, and there are a couple of smaller chip fragments in the immediate area. These factors will make it increasingly difficult for this second chip to get everything out of there cleanly.
“Unfortunately, I’ve had experience with this kind of thing before, and I hold myself personally responsible,” said Larkin, who admitted that he never should have sent the initial chip in so deep in the first place. “I’m truly sorry for getting everyone into this mess.
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