Are you having more conflicts with your partner than usual? Finding just 5 percent of their perspective you agree with could make all the difference.
as a therapist, finding myself feeling frustrated by my inability to assist a couple with whom I was working. They were mired in a ceaseless argument, venting at each other with neither person listening to the other. I was searching for a way to help them slow down and listen to each other, to get past their gridlock. I reflected for a moment on how I might approach their impasse differently.
I was asking John to go against the grain and act counterintuitively by neither defending himself nor trying to score a point. I explained to John that he wasn’t pleading guilty or surrendering; the goal was simply to establish a repartee so that they could hear each other. Validating something you’re hearing sets the stage for a vital shift in energy. He finally managed to affirm one of his wife’s complaints and took ownership of a particular action that she found offensive.
Even if you disagree with the vast majority of what you are hearing from the other person, you can ordinarily find some small content that you can acknowledge. We typically marginalize if not ignore this part, because our automatic default is grounded in the right-vs-wrong battle. Our thoughts seek to refute rather than confirm. Even though we say we care about each other, we don’t act lovingly.
Once your partner feels heard and moreover affirmed, he or she may be in a far better position to take in what you have to say. Timing is essential here. You cannot just say, “Yes, but…” That is part of the process of invalidating. Instead, affirm something, pause, and let the conciliatory spirit fill the space that would otherwise be occupied by the noisy back-and-forth of argumentation. That shift now becomes fertile ground for a meaningful transition and constructive exchange.
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