NEWPORT, OR—Bewildered at the inclusion of the tropical fruit among the required ingredients, local man Andrew Collins confirmed Monday that the muffin recipe he was baking called for bananas as if he had easy access to a fucking Caribbean street market. “Where the hell am I going to find one of those?” said Collins of the botanical berry he had only seen in pictures, asking how in God’s name the writer of the baking instructions expected him to acquire a banana without visiting a farmer’s market in Trinidad and haggling with a vendor in Creole or venturing deep into the Antigua rainforest and hacking one down from a tree with a machete. “Dammit, the nearest banana tree has got to be a thousand miles away from here. Wait, what the hell is this shit? They also want me to use sugar as well. Great, I guess I’ll just drive to my local sugarcane field. Jesus fucking Christ.” At press time, an annoyed Collins was forced to use canned pumpkin mixed with tofu as a substitution.
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