Personal Perspective: Autism research emphasizes “independence over perfection.” Remember, whatever your child cannot do by graduation, someone else might have to do for them.
Independence looks different in every single person.I have three sons, two of whom are living happily in the New York area with good jobs and significant others. Lately, I've noticed that when I see a message from one of them, my heart leaps like I've sighted a rock star. I get tongue-tied. I want to be interesting to them and fun. But still, I see their eyes wandering around as other really interesting messages erupt like mini fireworks on their screen.
Perhaps best of all, I could guess what was bothering him: he was uncertain about our upcoming Passover Seder. We had only decided last minute to do a big extended family virtual Seder, so I had not had many opportunities to describe what it would be like, who would be there, and what we would eat—Nat's Holy Triumvirate of favorite information. I swung into action, feeling like a superhero.We talked about it.
“We’re the biggest block in the lives of people with profound autism because we only use a deficit-based model," Gerhardt said."‘Oh, he can’t,’ we say, so we don’t teach it, so he doesn’t. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Instead of spending days or weeks trying to teach someone to tie their shoes, just get them the slip-ons. The same goes for the arduous and dubiously useful task of asking someone like Nat to count change, or identify coins. Teach him instead how to use a credit card responsibly. In preparing for adulthood in this confusing and complex world, figure out the shortcuts and don’t waste any more time. At any age. The younger, the better. And don’t worry about what’s “normal.
But being 61, I have to admit that I was also really happy when the whole thing was over, and I could just shut the computer and take a nap on the couch. The stolen nap is the real reward for everyone, especially the most independent of adults.is the author of numerous autism books; her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, among others.
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