We need to stop asserting that there is one universally grand and best way to experience love.
On a recent afternoon talk show, which I’m ashamed to admit I had on in the background while grading essays, the hosts were discussing an interview that had just come out in which Oprah Winfrey proclaimed she never regretted not having children or not marrying her longtime partner Stedman Graham.
Strahan questioned, rhetorically, whether there was any other way to get a certain kind of “ultimate love.” He then shared that having children is like an awakening to how the world really works because you begin to think of the world more than just in terms of yourself.Maybe some people need to have their own offspring to suddenly realize the world is not all about them. It seems to me, though, that many already intuitively understand this and live accordingly.
Nathan has a 23-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. I, a 40-year-old woman, have no children. Yes, Nathan’s love for his daughter is unspeakably deep and unique. There’s rarely a moment when she’s not on his mind. He can only rest easy when he knows she’s safe. And all the times he couldn’t protect her have been like hot irons directly searing his heart, leaving scars he may forever carry.
When we adopted our cat Stoney, we knew we were giving him a chance to live as he wouldn’t have otherwise. He came to us a timid, tiny, gray and white kitten with a chronic eye virus, hungry for affection and safety. Typically, I’m a multi-tasker and get antsy if I sit for more than 10 minutes unless I’m engaged in conversation.
Still, these omnipresent TV voices can get to me. Right after the segment about Oprah and the opinions about whether it’s OK not to marry or have children, I called Sarah. She’s been my best friend for 35 years, and she now has a one-year-old son. Because of that, it took 24 hours of phone tag to finally connect: She can really only talk when he’s deep in a nap; all other minutes of the day require all of her hands, eyes, ears and attention for baby care and monitoring.
I thanked Sarah and let her get off the phone — her 15 minutes of freedom were up. I thanked her because hearing her truth confirmed two things. First, I should turn off the damn television and opt for instrumental music when I want background noise while I work. Second, there is not one universally grand and ultimate way to experience love. For some, parenting may awaken in them some new kind of love, something beautiful and transformative.
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