I was traumatized and panicked. But it wasn’t just the shooting. It was the realization that I had no idea how to run my family without him.
He paid for everything. He owned everything. I didn’t even have his email password. He is a self-employed businessman. There is no employer to call to get a final paycheck from or an HR department to contact for an insurance payout. What would happen to his companies? What was my responsibility there? Did I own them? Would I sell them? What were they worth? It was so overwhelming.
Our life had to change. He needed to shift his mindset. Rather than have our entire financial life on autopilot with monthly bill drafts, I wanted to know what was happening. I needed to have a grip on what was coming in and what was going out. Up until that point, he gave me money when I asked. We didn’t just make purchases from a shared checking account where I was watching balances. We have joint accounts, but even when I was working, we just managed our own money.
I don’t blame him completely. I am culpable in this situation. I never asked. The lights were on and the water was flowing, so I knew there was enough. I just had no idea how much that actually was. Ignorance is bliss. I didn’t have to worry about it, so I didn’t. He never asked me to. We were both morons. He didn’t have any of my passwords, either. Not that I had anything to worry about aside from the quarterly trash bill and my Target card.
We are still in the process of getting our shit together. I have the mortgage info and my car payment date. He knows how to get into the AT&T website to pay the cable bill and I’ve made a list of the kids’ doctors and the medications they take. We still need a will. We have no advanced medical directives or designated family for our children to go to if we die. I swear I don’t want a wake or funeral and positively none of those church hymns to be played that make people cry.
No one should allow themselves to be in a position of panic when something goes wrong. There should be no secrets among couples in terms of finances. Both parties should be privy to the others’ passwords and accounts in case, God forbid, something does happen. He would never want me to be in the dark if he were gone. He’d want me to be able to live comfortably and take care of our kids. We just never took the time to discuss it. Nothing was going to happen, we thought. We could do it later.
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