AUSTIN, TX—Struggling to scrape by on his meager salary, actor Matthew McConaughey was reportedly forced to apply for food stamps Thursday after his first month working as an adjunct professor. “Man, things have been really tough lately, but fortunately I qualify for some nutrition assistance,” said the Academy Award-winning actor while filing the SNAP forms, explaining how he has been taking on some side gigs at the university’s writing center as well as participating in studies at the psychology department just to make rent. “I’m really passionate about the material, but it sucks having to go to the dentistry school to get a cavity filled because I don’t have insurance. Man, I hope I get approved soon, since I’m teaching a full course load and won’t have as much time to make a few extra bucks selling my blood plasma.” At press time, McConaughey was shoving some of the free bagels from a department event into his backpack to eat later.
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