Martha Stewart Would Like for You to ‘Painlessly’ Die So She Can Move in on Your Husband

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Martha Stewart Would Like for You to ‘Painlessly’ Die So She Can Move in on Your Husband
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I hope a potential suitor decides to sweep Martha off her feet—“not painfully,” of course—or a nice couple invites her to be a third.

, the 80-year-old murderess-in-waiting said there’s “nothing” going on in her dating life at the moment, only to recant her statement to then say she “had two mad crushes in the last month which is really good for me, but turns out one of them is married to the mother of some friends of mine. He’s so attractive.”

Who is this mother? Is she about to crack the century club? Is she a cradle robber, and might Martha be inclined to some cradle-robbing herself? I certainly wouldn’t put it past a convicted fraudster who’s been known to post thirst traps of herself in the pool, dripping in lust.“I’ve never been a homewrecker and I’ve tried really hard not to be. I’ve had the opportunity to be a home-wrecker and I have not taken anybody up on it,” Stewart responded. “But that’s where I meet men.

I hope a potential suitor decides to sweep Martha off her feet—“not painfully,” of course—or a nice couple invites her to be a third so she doesn’t have to partake in any homewrecking. And while the grandkids get her set up on Tinder, I’ll be here imagining that Martha’s entire knitting group perished painlessly into this pot of stew.

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