How to take a partner's behavior less personally—and even grow to appreciate their differences, writes DrMichaelKarson
said that there are incompatible goals even when we’re alone because of our own conflicting agendas.) When you’re young, your selfhood is at stake, not just the matter at hand; you have fights not only about what will happen next and what kind of relationship you’ll have, but you also have fights about who you are.I’m Sorryhumor
This got me thinking about the fact that the couple is in their 40s. If they’d met in their early 20s, it’s easy to imagine that he would find it annoying that she thinks he’s not funny, whereas it’s clearly a part of his identity that in his legal practice, he is the resident wit. In their 20s, she might well have found his steadiness a kind of prison. But in their 40s, he knows who he is and doesn’t mind living with someone who is livelier and funnier than he is.
At first, she interpreted his disappearances as a reflection of who she was. They made her feel devalued or incidental or ineffective in living a certain way. He interpreted her efforts to control him as insulting to his manhood or his freedom or his ability to make a sandwich without adult supervision. But they worked it out, had their careers, raised their kids, found their hobbies, and grew old together.
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