Figuring out how to manage money together might be an important part of a happy relationship, but it’s a skill that doesn’t always come naturally.
“When there’s conflict or discord, it’s usually not about the money itself, but related to the meaning each person is attaching to money. There’s always something deeper,” says Cohen Taylor, a licensed family and marriage therapist and behavioral wealth specialist at the registered investment advisory Wealth Enhancement Group.
Here are tips from financial experts on how to see money as an issue to bond over rather than a source of tension.Before getting serious with your partner, ask them how they learned about finances as a child, Taylor suggests. “We all have these childhood experiences or flashpoints in our lives that create these core beliefs related to money,” she says. If you were told to always save for a rainy day, for example, you might be deeply uncomfortable spending money unless there’s an emergency.
Expecting conflict and preparing to navigate it together can be healthy, says Laura J. LaTourette, certified financial planner and founder of the Family Wealth Management Group. “If you just lean into conflict, it won’t be so scary when you get there,” she says, adding that healthy conflict management includes lots of communication.Taylor suggests creating some guidelines you both agree on, such as that any expenditure over $200 requires a conversation first.
Those meetings can provide a chance to sync on how to trim spending together or to do something fun like set a vacation savings goal, Crowell says. They can also provide a safe space to express worries about credit card debt and similar topics. He suggests starting by sharing your feelings, such as, “I’m feeling worried about our finances,” versus criticizing the other person’s spending.
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