“With our relationship’s hourglass now flipped over, I felt like we were racing against time to fall in love”
Photo: J.V. Aranda It was 6 a.m. on a humid Monday morning in May. Bleary-eyed and standing in line for security at Pittsburgh International Airport, I felt my phone buzz with an incoming text: “Have a good trip babe, I’m going to miss you. Thank you so much for coming.” It wasn’t outlandish message to receive from someone you love after they drop you off at the airport. It also wasn’t your typical breakup text.
After seeing each other for about two months, I learned I was wrong. He was very serious — about Pittsburgh, and also about me. We were lying in my bed when he suggested we stop seeing other people. “I know it seems like a dumb idea,” he said, “but I really like you, and I don’t think I can continue seeing you if we just keep it casual.
“It’s a matter of heart versus head,” said another. “How fascinating.” She paused. “Obviously, follow the heart.” With our relationship’s hourglass now flipped over, I felt like we were racing against time to fall in love. I was convinced that only then would the relationship be considered worthwhile — that being able to say “I love you” would mean that our short time together mattered, enough that it would stay with him as he carried on with his life and ultimately ended up with someone who had a full shot at being with him. The fear that we wouldn’t get there bubbled up inside of me at random times.
That weekend in Pittsburgh was sadder than we expected. Sitting in bars and restaurants and his parent’s house, there was nothing left to talk about. I would cry, he would say how he was so happy to have met me, we would both reassure each other that we’d still be friends. I imagine how conflicted he must have felt — happy to be home and start the new chapter he’d been craving for, but sad to leave someone behind.
Even though I wished for it and fantasized about it, he didn’t ended up visiting New York. We slowly lost contact over the following months, never becoming the long-distance friends we had said we’d be. I often wondered if what we had maybe wasn’t that significant for him after all.
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