'It’s almost impossible to feed a relationship when you aren’t intentionally doing things to nourish it.'
As a child, I’d been sexually abused by an older family member. My parents didn’t know what to do or how to deal with it when I told them, and nothing was done. I think this had a lot to do with my anxiety — I didn’t feel safe as a child. And when I became a mother, I tried to heal that part of myself by being overprotective of my children. There was no one out there who could take care of my kids the way I could, and I was crippled with fear when I left them.
My husband wanted to take trips with me. He wanted to go out to dinner, just the two of us, and be able to finish a sentence without a child needing something from me. He wanted to build upon our relationship that seemed to stop growing the second we had kids. But after becoming a mother, I thought there was nothing better for me, and my children got all of me. There was nothing left for him.They wore me out and left me with zero energy at the end of the day.
Looking back, if I’d been able to deal with the anxiety I had about leaving them and made a pact to spend a few nights a month with just him, things probably would have turned out differently for us; we are now divorced. I thought we had enough love to make it through anything, and I didn’t need to keep nurturing our relationship. But it’s almost impossible to feed a relationship when you aren’t intentionally doing things to nourish it. I know this now.
It’s still a struggle for me. I’ve been in a loving relationship for almost three years, and my partner and I go away a few times a year for a long weekend without the kids. We’re soon going on a week-long vacation out of the country — something I’ve never done in my life. I was so anxious when we started planning the trip I couldn’t sleep and broke out in hives.
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