When you’re married, have kids, and live together, you pitch in as needed instead of ‘keeping score.’ You’re a team. You’re on the same side. Or, well, you’re supposed to be.
Couples are supposed to be a team. However, when someone starts turning the relationship into something transactional, it’s bound to lead to resentmentAn anonymous mom was flabbergasted when her husband said she “owes him” for contributing less to the family budget while she was on maternity leavethat even in equal relationships where both partners earn similar amounts of money at work, women are still left doing more at home.
You cannot quantify what a person’s efforts in pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare are in terms of cold hard cash. It turns a magical event and the entire relationship into something transactional and—ironically—sterile. But if your partner tells you that you “owe” them for contributing less to the budget because you were busy carrying, birthing, and raising both of your children, you may want to remind them that your contributions to the family have been invaluable.
It would be callous to suggest divorcing someone when you don’t even know the people involved personally, but this sort of situation is a good wake-up call to reevaluate your relationship. Have those tough conversations. Arguing too much is toxic, but not arguing at all about anything can be just as bad if you avoid tackling genuine problems.If you want to continue down the same path as a team, you’ll need to get on the same page.
When dividing up the chores at home, it really helps if you approach things from the perspective of who doesn’t mind doing what. If you don’t mind doing the dishes, you could tackle that chore more often than your partner while they focus on vacuuming or cooking, things that they enjoy. At the end of the day, though, if you continuously ‘keep score’ about everything, you’re going to end up frustrated and will annoy your partner.
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