'I am angry and resentful of friends and family who can’t see it. Of them not noticing how tired I am. Of them telling me, 'Well, you look okay to me.'' Everyone: Read this essay by lisamariebasile, excerpted from 'Burn It Down,' edited by lillydancyger
. The tests don’t reveal anything. Yet again, they tell me to stop wearing my contacts—which I’ve already done. “Take these drops immediately if you get inflammation again,” the doctor says.That’s the answer? I’ve got some mysterious eye problem that requires drops that I’ve already used before? Living in daily pain, unable to go to class during flare-ups, and sitting in my house with sunglasses on is my new normal?My aunt with eye cancer suggests a major hospital with specialists a city away.
I begin to morph, to grow inward, to worry. I try not to make myself a victim. Am I hypochondriac? I wonder. Am I just a delicate little flower?I am tired. I am a tired girl. I am an in-pain person. I am different now. As if I have a choice in most of this. As if I have the time or money or energy to fill my days with yoga and juices and swims and stress-free, vegan lunches. I learn then that everyone wants to be your doctor, but they don’t usually want to sit down and talk to you face-to-face about your past, your symptoms, or what you’ve tried before.
My final diagnosis comes in 2017, almost a decade after the pain began. I’m at a fancy hospital, paying hundreds of dollars to get a fucking answer. I remember what the doctors said years ago, that they thought I had ankylosing spondylitis but had no proof of it.
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