I always knew I didn't want kids
It wasn’t a conscious decision, but rather a lingering feeling encamped in the back of my mind that never really changed.
In my early twenties, I hoped it would. That by the time I celebrated my 30th a magical switch would turn on and suddenly I would want nothing more than to tuck mischievous little kids to bed every night, or get woken up by tiny cold feet under the duvet blanket in the mornings. But that never happened.
As I became more comfortable with my decision, people around me started to feel uneasy whenever the topic was brought up. At times I’d find myself in the most bizarre situations discussing my reproductive plans with distant colleagues or friends’ friends between drinks. It’s as though everyone was trying to figure out what needed fixing.
It surprised me then, and surprises me still, that society hasn’t really moved all that far on what constitutes a family. The traditional unit is still the norm and anything that sits outside of that validates phrases like “Are you sure…?” followed by surprised eyebrows, head tilt and a few hand gestures to finish off the sentence and remind me that I’m not what they consider normal. Yes, I am sure, thank you very much.
Through this process of self-discovery, I never considered how my future choices would affect the people closest to me. Perhaps I was too young, but I was still unsure of the implications it would have on me, let alone someone else.The guilt was brought on by a rather uneventful weekend away. While visiting my dad and his partner, the topic of children came up.
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