'Body dysmorphia isn't merely a phase that emerges in the insecure years of puberty. It's a lifelong disorder.'
some things discussed in this personal essay may be triggering to those with a history of disordered eating.
By the time I was 3 years old, I had already come to believe that my body was a prison. Growing up as a fat child, I was constantly made to feel lesser than my peers through harmful comments from teachers, classmates, and their parents. It all happened almost instantaneously — I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw, and I refused to look at myself from then on when given the option.
What I see in my reflection changes from one day to the next, and sometimes within hours. Suddenly I appear 40 pounds heavier or despise the shape of the pores along my nose, and it immediately shakes my confidence. I've canceled plans because I couldn't bear the thought of someone looking at me, worried that they would fixate on the same tiny piece of my appearance that was currently plaguing me with anxiety.
Body dysmorphia isn't merely a phase that emerges in the insecure years of puberty. It's a lifelong disorder that can have very real consequences.. It doesn't. I've been triggered by bags under my eyes, porous skin, frizzy hair, the broadness of my shoulders, my eyebrows, my breasts, my voice, and more.
Body dysmorphia has affected many aspects of my life, including friendships and relationships. Being in a sorority was a constantly triggering experience. Being in a long-term relationship is challenging, too, because I struggle to be intimate with anyone without fearing that they'll hate me. I've even believed at times that people stopped being my friend because of the way I looked, when they hadn't stopped being my friend at all.
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