I had always known I was very different. I was never diagnosed earlier in life because of when and where I grew up – these things were not discussed or even contemplated
. Spectrums of difference didn’t exist. It was only black or white, disabled or capable, marginalized or achiever. I had grown up so close to the top of the autism functionality spectrum that I had always managed to look, sound and behave as if I was on the “normal” side of society’s simplistic divide. The A word had never been mentioned or even contemplated around me, but I knew I was different.
But my neurons could never be rewired and the triggers were lurking everywhere. In my younger years, I was so often crushed by social and romantic rejection. I was humiliated by job performance reviews that highlighted my incurably rough edges. I was ashamed by my complete lack of nuance whenever I tried to guide employees or pitch clients. And I crumbled each time my wise partner pleaded with me about all my missing communication filters.
And then came the giant moment of unofficial clarity, when I was asked to help guide my autistic little brother through his incredibly overdue diagnosis as a middle-aged adult. Everything I read and everything he learned through that process seemed to describe not just him, but both of us. Suddenly our differences as autistic siblings made the notion of a spectrum seem so clear and obvious, while our startling similarities made more sense than ever.
But a book deal changed all that. The publisher wouldn’t allow the word “autistic” to appear on the cover of my memoir without an official expert diagnosis. That’s how I ended up in an adult autism assessment clinic on a gorgeous sunny spring day a few years ago. And that’s how – unexpectedly – I experienced real freedom. For the first time in my life, as I walked and walked and smiled for hours that afternoon, I felt truly free.
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