The Moneyist has never received a letter like this before.
This is something I have not shared with anyone until now. I am embarrassed because my family, friends and colleagues view me as a very intelligent person. I act like someone who has it all together, but deep down I feel otherwise.
I pay all the bills and take care of everything financially. But after all of these years, I don’t know what’s in his bank account. I do know he is into stocks, but I am afraid to ask. On a few occasions I have asked that we talk about retirement and future money plans, and he has ignored me. I regularly forward him articles about money and retirement, etc., and he simply ignores them.
If your husband is willing to sit back and allow you to pay the bills — while he keeps his savings and investments a closely guarded secret — his problems go way beyond money. People will often get away with what they can get away with: You pay all the bills because you allow him to pay none of the bills. He keeps his finances a secret because you don’t call him out and tell him to sit down and go through them like any other family.
Most people are open about their finances, but money secrets are not that uncommon. Nearly 20% of people are keeping a savings, credit-card or checking account hidden from their live-in partner, according to this survey. Millennials are twice as likely to say they’re hiding a bank or credit-card account from their partner . More than half of people who live with their partner say keeping a secret bank or credit-card account is as bad as cheating.
Your husband must start contributing to the family finances. Your child’s college education and your desire to start planning for your respective retirements are both good places to start. This is non-negotiable. It’s unhealthy to live with secrets. They too often lead to lies. In relationships and friendships, I have a series of red, white and — well — amber lines. Lying, lying by omission or keeping secrets is a red line.
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