L.A. Affairs: 'I embarked on a summer with a new job and the need to start from scratch. This included exploring my bisexuality, which I hadn’t confronted until this point.'
I broke out in a cold sweat updating my Bumble profile in my new Mid-City apartment. My finger hovered over the “interested in” section, and with a quick exhale I tapped “women” and saved it with an internal scream. Here we go. I’m out. I had broken up with my boyfriend of nearly two years a month prior: My dating record up until this point was “serial monogamist” and “preference” had been strictly men. My ex and I had just broken up.
At BeSpun, there was no male gaze, only female teamwork and appreciation of our own abilities: My fellow dancers cheered me on when I finally landed a carousel spin combination, and helped me find alternative stretches in stretch class where I worked on my pitiful flexibility. I emerged from challenging spin tricks classes covered in bruises but armed with a new kind of confidence born from shedding the shame that comes from internalizing stigmas associated with women’s sexuality.
The newness of acknowledging the feelings I’ve always had for women still hasn’t worn off: It’s still a process of reversing the conditioning from my conservative Arizona hometown, where my time spent as co-captain of the women’s JV basketball team was overshadowed by my attempts to hold down high school boyfriends to prove I was very straight amid all the teasing from my peers.
As I started in a new writers room in the fall, a mention of a date I was going on with the actress over the weekend was treated with just as much normalcy as another writer’s home renovations or weekend plans to see a new movie.
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