DearPrudie: My wife would obviously be devastated if she found out.
I’m 20, nonbinary, and about to start hormone replacement therapy. In a few months, I’ll be seeing my entire extended family for a reunion. I’m not out to any of them. Because of my history with my parents, I prefer to keep my health care decisions private, although we are reasonably close otherwise. While I know my immediate family is trans-friendly, I really don’t know what to expect from the rest.
You can politely decline to answer any questions about your body—you know your own temperament best, and if you think you can shrug off any curiosity with relative ease, by all means go for it. Or you can talk to one or two of your relatives you know to be supportive of trans people ahead of time and ask for their help in making sure you don’t have to undergo the third degree, if you decide you don’t want to run the risk of being outed.
Lots of people start HRT for a few weeks or months before talking to family members about it. So I don’t think it’s a terrible idea to wait to come out only when you feel prepared to do so—it’s a great idea. Everyone should have the space to decide when they’re ready to tell someone they’re on HRT, rather than gauging when they’re going to have to in order to dodge intrusive questions.I’ve made it a point to try to be friends, or at least friendly, with most of my exes.
But it’s one thing to introduce a new partner to your friend whom you dated once eight years ago and who is now a platonic friend. It’s another to say, “Hey, we’ve just started dating, but I’m going to start meeting up with my ex for brewery visits and bird photography tours.” My new sorta-girlfriend and I are not at the stage where we’re expecting to be alerted about each other’s social plans.
If your new almost-girlfriend considers befriending someone you used to date a breach of trust, that’s probably a sign that she has fairly restrictive expectations for a romantic relationship. Keep getting to know her. Keep spending time with your ex, if you two have a solid platonic connection.
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