The role of caregiver can feel lonely, daunting and complicated – even when it’s to take care of a dear loved one like a parent. The job gets even harder when caregivers don’t take care of themselves in the process.
Susanne White knows that firsthand, and she wrote a book about it. White was a caregiver for both of her parents for four years between 2006 and 2010, and said there wasn’t a lot of information available about caregiving. Her new book, “Self-Care for Caregivers: A Practical Guide to Caring for You While You Care for Your Loved One,” addresses the challenges of feeling lonely, fighting against shame and guilt and taking a break to enjoy a hobby.
Find a group you can turn to, pick up the phone, share your story. I have cried and laughed so hard with other caregivers. Others who are not caregivers don’t understand if they’re not in the mix, in the battle. They don’t understand the sadness and anxiety and the fear or some of the hilarity sometimes, like dueling wheelchairs trying to get them into rehab at the same time.
White: My mom and I didn’t always get along. We butted heads all the time, and as she was diagnosed with early stages of dementia, I had to look back at the historical baggage of communicating with my mom. I had to realize she wasn’t going to change so I had to – I really started watching my reactions and started to begin to respond instead of react. I had to dig into my heart about why I’d get angry or feel guilty or shame.
In telling people that you care for that you need more time or more space, it depends on the individual situation. But the initial thing you have to do is try to allow yourself to discuss your feelings with the people you care for. Caregivers may be surprised at the reaction. I took an hour every Sunday to ride horses. It was an hour out of how many hours in a week? I felt guilty and worried about it, and I told my parents. They were so happy I took that time for myself. My dad would be waiting when I got home, asking “How was the horse today? How was he feeling?” You must not assume that those we care for don’t want us to take care of ourselves.
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