A reader writes to advice columnist Lisi Tesher about her boyfriend's persistent partying and unhealthy habits, leaving her frustrated and considering ending the relationship. Tesher offers advice on how to approach the situation, emphasizing the importance of communication and setting boundaries.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend is still acting as though it’s the holidays. It’s not normal behavior and I’m concerned. I’m also getting really annoyed with him and am on the verge of dumping him. Even though he’s back at school, he starts his morning off with a Mimosa, although he uses sparkling wine and not champagne. He says it’s healthy because it’s orange juice! He’s still partying every night, getting drunk enough to slur his words, or fall down or take videos that no one should ever see.
He goes to class hungover and then sleeps the afternoon away or lies around watching football and drinking beer. His roommates are getting fed up and expect me to do something about it. But what can I do? Party’s Over Your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend needs a wake-up call. It’s NOT your responsibility, however, as his still-girlfriend, you should care enough to want to help him. So, it depends how far you’ve already stepped out the door. The kindest thing would be to have a good chat with him, helping him see himself the way everyone else does. Give him the chance to make some changes before walking away. But if you’re past that point, then you need to tell him his behavior has pushed you away and that it’s going to push others away if he doesn’t make a change. And then, again depending on your relationship, as in how long have you been together, you may want to reach out to his parents and let them in on what’s going on in the hopes that they can help him. \Feedback Regarding the stepchild (Oct. 14): Reader — “I feel for this family. Our son is 45 and living with us. I knew very early on that he had issues: delayed speech and motor development, to name a few. He went through hospital programs for psychological, speech and occupational therapy. He has ADHD, took SLD (specific learning disability) classes at school, attended private schools, had tutoring and many psychological assessments over the years. “I heard about Asperger’s Syndrome and saw my son in almost every symptom listed. We had him tested again before leaving high school, specifically for Asperger’s. They concluded that his history and social interaction was not suggestive. “Fast forward 28 years, two different college programs, a couple of commercial training programs, a sketchy employment history, four attempts at living independently and being evicted each time, he’s now living with us and we’re desperate to find him appropriate accommodations for his future. He was tested again a couple of years ago by a neuropsychologist and diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder — or neurodiverse as Asperger’s is now called. Testing has changed significantly and the process of finding future accommodations is a lengthy and long winding road. If we had known then what we know now, and had the proper diagnosis, we would’ve started the planning process then instead of now, as overwhelmed seniors terrified for our son’s future.”\Dear Lisi: I’ve already reneged on several of my New Years’ resolutions. Am I destined for failure? Pathetic No! You are not destined for failure, and you are not pathetic. CBS reports only 25 percent of people keep their resolutions past the first month. The difficulty is in creating new habits. Also, people tend to make too many resolutions, which isn’t sustainable. Start small, as though you’re in training. For example, if your resolution is to be able to run a marathon next Christmas, start by buying new shoes and running for 10 minutes. Slowly amp up and you’ll get there. \Feedback Regarding the worried mom (Nov. 6): Reader – “Have some of these girls started to experiment with drugs, alcohol or tobacco, and her daughter wants no part of this? That’s what happened to me. Many ‘friends’ were starting to get into cigarettes and alcohol. I wanted no part of that. So, losing friends may not actually be such a bad thing. “Expect the same to happen when she hits post-secondary. But it may simply be that maturity is happening, and her daughter is starting to make value decisions. Grades would be a key indicator if anything concerning is occurring.” Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Email questions t
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