‘I can never truly know what went and still goes through the minds of everyone who knows that I am bipolar. Maybe I don’t want to’
I don’t remember a time when it was so commonplace to be open about personal struggles. It seems like everyone can be honest about the less palatable parts of themselves. Colleagues at work casually mention that they are seeing their therapist in the evening, and among friends “My therapist said,” is simply a matter of fact.
Things really could work out. I could ventilate a part of me that had been compressed for decades. A part that yearned to be vocal and acknowledged. Buzzed with these thoughts, the next morning I combed my hair and adjusted the angle of my lamp to minimize the hollows under my eyes. I sought to convey the calmest form of measured ease I could pull off to avoid anyone judging me as another loose-cannon bipolar person.
Episodes typically last a couple of weeks. During this time, I lunge between one impulse and another, ricocheting like a bullet. But eventually, the spinning stops. This time around three weeks later it was as if a loose cog snapped into place. I was horrified that my mind had betrayed me yet again and could feel an iron pressure on my chest. It wasn’t real.
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