From natural disasters to infidelity to permanent brain damage
Photo-Illustration: Photo illustration by Jeni Zhen. A weeklong series dedicated to skewering the traditions, expectations, and psychodrama that surround wedding season.
The next morning, when I was in the stylist’s chair getting my hair done, he called and he started talking fast: “Holy shit you will never believe what happened!” I was like, What? What happened? I was on high alert, thinking, What did you do? He told me that his friend — the groomsman — was in the hospital in a coma. I flipped out. Turns out he’d been out all night, hitting on girls, getting tanked.
We went on a honeymoon a few days after the wedding. We still didn’t know the extent of the damage. Would he walk again? Would he talk again? Will he have permanent brain damage? He was in a medically induced coma for three months and five years later he’s still not fully recovered. What else? A lot of people ended up not having cell-phone service at camp, including our wedding planner, who, while lovely, and great with aesthetics, proved absolutely fucking incompetent in the logistics department. She rolled up to the ceremony site 20 minutes after we were supposed to begin and looks at me and says: “So, when should we get started?”
The bride and groom and all their people had started drinking at 5 p.m. and kept going until 5 a.m. Open bar, hard liquor; wine; beer … you name it. It felt like the Hangover movie, you know? Like at some point Mike Tyson was going to show up with a tiger, or someone was going to lose a tooth. They had a pre-ceremony cocktail hour, and that’s when I noticed the groomsman and the bride off to the side talking. I didn’t think too much of it, I didn’t know the group dynamic.
About five days later, the planner called me. Surprise number one: The bride and the groomsman had left and had been hooking up in a hotel somewhere. And surprise number two: The wedding was annulled the next day. I asked, out of curiosity, how much the wedding cost. She said $3.25 million. A $3.25 million party that the guest of honor, the bride, ghosted.
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