'Wives only want one thing and it’s for you to open your eyes man because your keys are literally right there in front of your face.'
— Kat PapaJohns "HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW"My husband had the audacity to tell me that Cream of Chardonnay soup isn’t a thing. I can’t even with this guy.[tall, tattooed, bearded furnace repairman exits his truck and starts walking toward my front door]Me [opening door]: IT'S OKAY IT'S FIXED I FIXED IT MYSELF YESSIREE BOB I SURE DID SO YOU CAN GO AWAY NOW JUST BILL ME FOR THE VISIT OKAY BYEMarried life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’Every argument my wife and I have, regardless of the subject, somehow comes back to the fact that she has pushed babies out of her genitals and I haven’tMe: *realizes it's his mom's platter but acts angry out of principle*Wives only want one thing and it’s for you to open your eyes man because your keys are literally right there in front of your faceMy husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love...
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